#breakfast

Wow. Sometimes the breaths that you try to take just can’t get deep enough.

Simon had to stay in hospital yesterday (don’t worry, nothing serious) so I’ve been by myself – which of course I am used to. But I got up at 4am to get started on the day yesterday getting the kids ready and lunches packed before dropping Him off in the city in time to be back at school in time – having a few things to achieve but ending up with a stage-five clingy baby instead. I love the cuddles and she was happy – I just had so much to do!

Then off to pick up the others, back home to cook a quick dinner and for them all to eat it as quick as can be (which is trying even at the best of times) and out the door again less than an hour after we came back in. Off to the city for violin – all roads had car crashes somehow, but we made it in time – onwards for a quick visit for the girls to see their dad – then home. I had very much planned to fall into a heap and crawl under the covers once the girls were inevitably asleep, and one, two, three of them went down a treat but by none the stage five clinger was still awake and wanting to be in my arms. After several attempts I gave up and went downstairs and tried to write on my essay.

Aria wanted to help though, so there wasn’t much use, and when she was finally asleep and I could also rest it was way past 10pm. As soon as my head hit the pillow I was out…. until Melodies alarm started going off alerting me she was going urgently low. Back up I go to wake her and feed her and stay up for a while to see her levels go up, but I was woken up four or five times by the same alarm. Her body was having a rough night and so was I meant to apparently. I’m flying out to Sydney tomorrow morning which means another early morning for us – packinh bags and hopefully finishing off My assignment before I go to bed….

So now breakfast is served on a table outside to try catch My breath… no rest for the wicked😂

Xxx,

Line

2 down – an unknown number to go

One of the difficult things about the way we are moving now, is that we can’t just spend the last week chucking everything into boxes, put them in a truck and then unpack once we are there, like we have the other times.
This time, we are moving overseas obviously, and we have decided not to bring our life with us. There are a few reasons for this. Firstly, we are not moving straight into a house of our own – we are going to be staying in my childhood home for a bit (and obviously, theres a couple people already living there…). It is not a very big house, so imagine if we were bringing not only the six of us, but all our gear as well? We would have to store it over there somehow for an indefinite amount of time and then fit it all in and… yeah nah, doesn’t work.
Then of course is the reason that our stuff really isn’t worth moving. Our furniture has been lovingly used by all kids and all the various fluids and dirt they bring with them – it doesn’t matter how much the couch covers can be washed and how clean we can make it, there’s no need to bring that sort of stuff over there. And the same goes for most of our things. Certain items hold more of a sentimental value to us, so we will just store some of it, but we won’t be able to bring it all over there anyway. We did check to see how much it would cost, and it just can’t be justified anyway.
We have decided that we don’t want to pay for storage, and we will use our shed here to store whatever we will keep. Which means we can’t keep much. It turns out to be really good for us, because we’ve never been good at chucking out all the useless stuff, but it has at least made us able to see how much junk we collect. I am currently the proud owner of at least five large rubbish bags on their way to charity, a few bags of stuff going to live with other families, one full box of things we hope to bring to Norway (but probably won’t happen this round) and one almost full box of stuff to be stored here. This is before I’ve even started the kitchen and gotten around to the kids toys. While looking for one of our suitcases, I stumbled upon a whole bag full of babyclothes in the size just before Arias, that she’s missed out on using because we really just have too. much. stuff.
It feels good though, to get rid of heaps. I think I could still be slightly more ruthless, but give me a break. I have had at least two full big boxes of rubbish, and there will surely be quite a lot more to come.
Today I fully packed suitcase number two. I have been going through the kids clothing and let them choose what to bring to Norway and what to keep. I just had to start somewhere and minimise the work I am doing. They’ve all been co-operative, and although I’ve made some executive decisions, they pretty much understand and choose the best clothes. This does mean they are left with the daggiest, ‘probably too small’, sometimes stained clothes to be worn for the next few months, but really – who cares. I have to do less laundry – and I got to tick a few boxes. Two full bags already ready to come with us, and I’m not unpacking them now. Hopefully we get to purchase some extra bags for the flight over otherwise we are pretty screwed:)
It’s exhausting thinking of how much we need to do and realising how much stuff we really have. I feel like I haven’t even scraped the surface yet, although all I see is bags and bags off to the op shop and off to someone else. Furniture and bigger items are being sold or given away, and I wouldn’t be surprised if we end up sleeping on the floor by the end of this. But that is just what it is.
Please keep me in your thoughts as I go through all this mess – I might need a fair bit of coffee…

(But it makes it all okay when I know I am going to this place: (photo lovingly stolen from https://www.ulstein.kommune.no/artikkel.aspx?MId1=17&AId=5365 so this is definitely not my pic, I just needed to show ya’ll the beauty so you will come visit🤷🏼‍♀️))

Xxx,
Line

I suppose it’s time

If you had any idea how many times I’ve tried to write this exact post you probably would appreciate it much more than you will.
It’s so hard when something you feel so strongly and deep in your heart needs to be said – but every time I try it just fails to pack that punch I so desperately need it to. I’m not sure where to start, because if I start at the beginning, it ends up being a thesis worthy of any masters degree, but if I extract the more important pieces I end up missing important stuff so I feel like people will not quite understand – and I may even confuse them and even worse; hurting people with my words. So I’ve ended up here. After countless attempts of trying to get my feelings down on (virtual) paper, this is where it’s at. It’s time to come clean.
For those who haven’t yet deciphered it, for those who I haven’t been face to face with and for those who I for some reason haven’t told yet – The Inevitable Time for us to set sail has come.
We always knew it was going to happen – it was always a part of our plan. We have actually ended up staying maybe even twice as long as originally intended. But now it is time.
And it sucks. For some reasons it really really sucks – and it is the same reason why it is actually really awesome. Confused? I’ll explain.
You see, moving to Australia was always meant to be temporary. This is why I didn’t make a single friend the first year in Adelaide. This is why, when we moved to NSW, I never bothered investing myself in the beautiful people I met there. And I really, truly did. Some of those people hold a dear and meaningful place in my heart and desperately hope I get to see many of them again. BUT. It took me far too long before I even let myself connect. It wasn’t until the last year that I really decided to go with it – and by then it was nearly too late. And by then I had had what I call ‘the terrible years’. I call them that now, because at the time I was blissfully unaware of the state I was in. I didn’t realise that I was actually unhappy. Yes, I had Simon and Melodie and we had two gorgeous babies while over there – and the location was just absolutely stunning. Still, it wasn’t enough. Had I started earlier maybe, realising that I needed to establish something – I don’t know. What I do know is I cried a fair few tears on our way back to Adelaide. I left something I had finally made over there – and was on my way back to ‘Badelaide’, where there was absolutely nothing. I was ready to leave asap.
The first year back in Adelaide I kinda existed in that bubble again. Where I wasn’t keen on connecting. When Melodie started school I did end up meeting school parents – but I knew we were on our way out of the country again, and although I connected, I was never quite ‘there.’ I still didn’t like Adelaide, and knew that once we were leaving I wouldn’t even bother looking back. This is the point where I would be ready to leave Australia as an eyesore in my history, as the bi-chapter that I never wanted to ever read again. The prologue to our new beginning that everyone skips. I was ready to ‘bye felicia’ all of Adelaide and go back to my real friends and real family. Then life turned. I decided to audition for another musical – and doing that, life finally made sense again. Simon went to America for a few months, I went to Norway with the kids, and started my studies at the same time. My whole Australia experience was somehow re-set, and I was suddenly excited! Adelaide had something to offer, and the negatives, although still there, were easy to shove into a corner and not deal with because I had all these new experiences! So the second (and others)  show I got to do in Adelaide, after the first kick-starter, really just cemented things for me. I ended up forging some really amazing friendships, I met some people who lifted my spirits just by being there, and I somehow managed to find my own little Adelaide family in all of that. Adelaide, who I was so quick to pounce on and judge, suddenly became my little oasis. This is where my Australia story truly lies. This is where, mostly through theatre, I can say I have truly lived.

It is now, with a cracked heart, I have to leave that behind. There is no doubt in my mind that what lies ahead for us is absolutely amazing, and I know I don’t have to look for happiness in Norway – because it is already there! The abundance of love and care that already exists in Noway, which I don’t have to search for or beg for or even ask for, will be right at our feet. There are people literally pacing the floors awaiting our arrival – and that humbles me and fills me with an immense amount of joy.
Still. Having to take something as beautiful as the community here that have taught me so much, accepted me – flaws and all, and taken care of our family as if we were there own, and leave it behind still majorly sucks. I wish I could just combine all of it and move to a remote town in Spain and live happily ever after. Then the pizza can be served whole.

You may think it sounds absolutely crazy, but the fact that this crushes a little part of me is exactly why it is also great. Imagine spending 8 years of your life living somewhere and hating it. Imagine having wasted those years being unhappy. I am so glad I can walk out of here saying ‘Australia, we will definitely be back – I love you’ – because the story was quite so a few years ago. Now I get to miss you and think of you and plan when I get to see you again. And if, for some reason Norway turns out not to be the right fit for our family, we actually have something to come back to.
Xxx,
Line

 

*tiny disclaimer – I have obviously gotten married and had lots of  kids, and these things have been very joyous and exciting for us, that is not what this is about at all… just in case you didn’t get that:)*

You made me cry

This last week has been an emotional ride for me. We finished up Chitty Chitty Bang Bang last Saturday night and as usual I was in tears before the final show had even started. Everyone knows I cry, but luckily I am a pro so I don’t think it would have been visible on stage! Even still, saying goodbye and packing up our stuff and go to the afterparty, I spent the whole day with my heart in my throat ready to burst out into tears, so when people said certain things or looked at me in a certain way it was very hard to hold back.
I just love those people so much, man. And being on such an intense journey and working so hard together and creating something so spectacular makes us close in a way it’s impossible to imagine being with anyone else. And although it may feel different at the time, it’s after – when everything suddenly falls silent and you find yourself surrounded by everything other than that crowd of amazing people – that’s when the post-show blues suddenly kicks in. And it sucks, man.

And here I go thinking that would be the only struggle I would have this week. Then Sunday night Aria gets sick. Like the first time she has ever been sick for real. People who get to hang out with her will all vouch for the fact that she is a very content little baby and crying just rarely occurs in general, so when she cried for ages and wouldn’t settle Sunday night I knew there was something wrong. We found out she had stomach cramps, and although we gave her something for the pain, she wouldn’t stop crying. I just held her and cuddled her and stayed up with her – and I cried. You know, being a mum can really suck in that way. Seeing that little person you love and care for more than yourself – the tiny human you are fully responsible for suffer, and knowing there is nothing I can do – knowing I would take all that pain upon myself if I could just cracked me. As she was sitting exhausted in my lap, her face all puffy from all the crying, I still praised myself lucky that this is all we’ve had to endure with our kids. (Well, except diabetic related stuff, but that’s a different story:)) We’ve never had to deal with long-lasting pain and suffering in them. Even when Sophia needed her thumb stitched back on she was happy as the next day and no bad words to say about it. Still, here I was sitting, in bed with my baby nestled in, hanging off my tummy, trusting me with her life, which, for her probably seemed as if it was ending or something. And I couldn’t stop myself from crying. Luckily, she was all better the next day and has been fine since!

You’d think that two-three days of crying would be enough for a week, right? But then other family members made it their mission to try again.
Monday morning the kids went back to school after the holidays and Ricky was going back to Kindy. Now, when it finished before their time off, she suddenly had meltdowns and didn’t want to go. I am a firm believer that unless there is an actual reason (safety or bullying or something we can’t immediately fix) that going to Kindy is the best thing for her. Ricky is normally one of the happiest kids alive, and starts the morning with a smile – without fail. For her to suddenly turn and not wanting to go was very strange and out of character for her. I figured it had been a long term and it was all fairly new and the holidays would do her good. We talked about going back and she had a couple of ‘I don’t want to go’-s and ‘But I’ll miss you’-s but we all agreed she was going back still. I even wrote her name on Melodie and Sophia’s hands to remind them to go over and check on her in their free time because that seemed to help her. All was good until we walk in and she stops dead in her tracks. She didn’t want to go. She did come, but reluctantly. As soon as we were inside, she wouldn’t leave me, and was hanging on to my leg. We sat down to read a few books and she was literally on top of me the whole time. And on this day, her main teacher wasn’t even there! We found one of the most regular teachers and I told her about her sadness, Ricky hanging on tighter than ever, and I could just feel her sadness seeping through my bones as I discussed the situation. As I bent down to talk to her again, Ricky had tears in her eyes, and she looked at me with such fear and tears in her eyes that I really wanted to just pick her up and run home with me. I knew we had to stick it out and made the agreement that if she was still unhappy in a few hours I could come back and get her, remembering again how fortunate we are to have that opportunity.
As I left her behind sitting on her teachers lap, cuddling up to her now, I couldn’t stop my tears from streaming down my face again. I know deep in my heart that that Kindy is amazing and lovely and that she needs to be there to learn and develop and that those teachers are nothing but fantastic – yet I swore that if this continues she will just not go anymore. Luckily she ended up having a great day, and only ended up teary once. Her sisters walked over to see her and they played side by side and she loved feeling like they were there for her. The next day she had no issues at all, and although the hug she gave me was slightly longer than usual, she sat down next to her friends all happy and ready to go! My mother-heart exploded and I got to walk out all teary again, only this time with proud tears.
Add to all that the fact that there’s a snapchat group full of people from Chitty so there’s this constant reminder of all these people I don’t get to hang out with again, it’s been an emotional week. (I mean, I know the reasons for my sadness is quite shallow, and some people have more real reasons to cry – still, I can’t help it!)
Xxx,
Line

Back with a bang?

It has been so quiet here on my blog for a very long time, and I’ve had people asking me when I will start writing again. Aside from the fact that I have been busy with Uni and doing a show, and just life in general, I think I have lost some of that want to write. I still write mostly every day, but I know that a part of me thinks that I need to be amazing in order to justify doing it.

For every passing day and for every time I sit down to write something, I feel like I need to ‘comeback’ with something great. I need to write something that will make people nod in agreement or feel deeply or go ‘Wow, this is a great piece!’ I have been feeling like it just isn’t enough to just ease back in with a post about our day and a picture of my baby eating banana. I need to be back with a bang!

Because I have been writing. Long pieces of stuff that I have been trying to tell for ages. Lots of words on these digital documents – just waiting to be edited an published. But it only gets that far. I either write too much – or too personal – or I get sidetracked and it ends up being about something completely different and then I’m not happy about it. I wonder whether I should just post some of the poetry I’ve made or whether I should go back to what I started out with. I end up putting way too much thought into it and it all just fizzles out… This used to be a place where I would just write, well, anything! A recipe here, a weekly report here – some deep and meaningful stuff there. Now, it seems as if I have needed to redefine my writing.

But I have finally come to the conclusion that I don’t need to. I can continue with this being my own space. Posting a whole lot of pictures of the kids going for a hike in the hills followed by some poems after I’ve shared my favourite music. I have nothing to prove, I have nowhere to hide. I’m coming back.

This is not a bang. This is not something for people to be wowed by. This is just me – sharing my life again – and you’re welcome to partake:)

(And I’ll just chuck in some pics of these kids:))

Xxx, Line