Summertime Sadness.

Here we are. At the end. The last weekend of false eyelashes, excessive amounts of makeup and ridiculously quick costume changes. The last weekend of hilarious props, unexpected laughs and side-stage dancing. The last weekend of getting into character, delivering lines and NERVES. No more hair-teasing, hushing and mic-testing. It’s soo bittersweet. Last weekend of hanging out with the greatest bunch of people that SA has to offer.

That is how I started the weekend on Facebook.

Wow. In so many ways, I am totally speechless. But on so many levels I have too much to say.

Our show season just finished. It finished Saturday really, but I have not had the head space to write about it yet. There has just been too much.

A few months ago, it all started. Nerves. Audition. Waiting for a phone call. The moment you pick up the phone, hear it’s your director, and expect disappointment. Being offered a part. Try not to squeal. Say thank you and hang up. Squeal.

Then, going to the first read-through. So. Much. Nerves. I tell you. it isn’t always easy being the new one. The one that knows nobody. Like, I literally only knew who the director was, and still, I didn’t know him. I should have totally freaked out.

Somebody came up to me, asked me if I was new, then walked me over to this small group of people. This was P, K and J. And they became my first friends from the show:).

As time moved on, we were setting more scenes, learning more songs, memorizing more dances and rehearsing lines. And with every rehearsal I was more excited. I mean, talent or not, I love doing this. It makes me so incredibly happy. It fills me with this sense of euphoria, so that even on the worst of days (when it’s cold as, and I am soo tired and my legs can’t handle any more moving.) I just know that I don’t want to give any part of it up.

But now, the euphoria is no longer present.  I am just… sad. Because it sucks when it ends. In the lead up to the shows opening, there was so much great stuff happening. The social part got bigger, post-rehearsal pub hang-outs, late night beach sessions with added carnival and playground shenanigans (for research purposes only. Ahem.) and generally spending so much time together that it feels as if we are a huge family. And that is what we became. And what we, hopefully, still are.

The problem now is, that I won’t be seeing them all again. Not like that, not ever. That, what we had, is no more. All the laughs and tears and moments together are now just memories. Good ones, great ones, awesome ones. But memories. No longer moments.

And I want to see them. No, I NEED to see them. One of the girls said to me on the last day, (and this is something that really touched me, and which has stuck with me, as it was everything I was feeling in just a few words) – “I don’t want you to disappear out of my life.” It was beautiful and profound and just what I needed. To know that what I was feeling was what others were feeling to. I am almost scared of seeing someone from the show at random again, as I will either 1: Suddenly be shy and not know what to say, or 2: Run up to them and be waaaay to excited to see them.

The dancing, the singing, being on stage together with that big bunch of extraordinary people, such massive talent and the beauty that are the BIG family, is secondary to the bonds formed and the love I have developed for all those people.

That being said; that stage, those dance moves, the songs and the acting – it was what I did it all for. It’s why we drenched our faces in make-up, why I hopped, jumped and skipped into that dressing room every single time. It was why I was nervous about every move on stage, why we danced our pre-show jitters away, why I left home as early as I could to be there on time, with enough time to ready my mind. This show was everything. And we did everything. And we nailed it. We got awesome reviews. And we went back to nail it again. When I say the show was secondary, It only means that now, when the show ends, the actual show is finished. But what we created, was so much more. Some of us used it as a part of a healing process. Some of us created a better self-worth. Some of us used it as a massive learning experience. I did all of that.

And now, we are sad. I know I am not the only one feeling it. I cried every show, and particularly the last one. I am an emotional wreck. And I am sad.

“In ways I still can’t name, I’ll never be the same, you reminded me that I could fly. There’s so much that you’ve already taught me, can you teach me how to say goodbye?

We must go on now, we’ll see this through. it’s nothing more than the grown-up thing to do. But always inside me, your smile will shine

and we’re gonna be fine.”

The words of the final song of the show could not be more poignant.

There are things that will never be the same/that I will never forget:

  • Pink. Or is it… pink?
  • Exercising equipment at the beach
  • Telling anyone to “Shut up!”
  • Vinegar
  • Do you get sexy when you’re angry, or the other way around?
  • Sooooooooosan
  • Coffee.. and whether to add milk or not.
  • Artichokes
  • DON’T play with that. It’s a TOY
  • Whooopsie!
  • Bean bag tossing
  • Your wish is granted!
  • Stars
  • Fan fiction/theories about what happens next
  • Yes, Mac, Yes.
  • Flocking.
  • The recasting at the final party
  • Toys. We make them. (and love it….)
  • Zoltar.
  • I want my room, I want my bed…
  • Beluga. Or Iranian.
  • TriColour eyeshadow.
  • Hyphens.
  • Anything in teeeeny tiiiiiny pieces!
  • And pretty much SO much more…

Man, we’ve had so much fun. And the after parties were so awesome! I mean, games, spas and jelly shots, how can it get any better? Oh yeah, that’s right, with awesome people!<3

I really don’t know what to say. Or write. It all just becomes ramblings. I feel like I have gained so much, and yet a part of me is now missing…

I would like to thank everyone involved with the show, DG for taking a chance on me in the show and for his amazing mind and directing skills, EK for being a massively talented MD and just incredible all around, SW for actually teaching me how to dance (slightly.), You are an amazing team!

What’s next, I don’t know. But it can never be as BIG as this was ❤ If I didn’t have these three little munchkins to shower with my love and attention every day, I would probably be lying in bed waiting for a breakdown of some sort…:)

I miss you all, already. And I hope you will be lifelong friends of mine.

(Oh, and P.S. Thank you for being so kind to my little girls. Melodie has made best friends and she wants you all to come to her birthday parties forever.:)



(and I will be posting a bunch of pictures tomorrow.)


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